I feel like no one here actually blogs, like, I guess I write weird angsty cryptic slam stuff, but it’s really undetailed up to interpretation for a reason, so I’m gonna talk about what I want in my future and junk.
I am going to live in Boulder, Colorado. Even if I live under the freeway overpass, Boulder is my home, heart, and soul, and no person, job, or situation if going to change that.
I am not going to live under the freeway overpass. I will pay off my 75k student debt. I will build a beautiful ranch cabin from the ground up, I will love that house from it’s foundation to the chimneys. It will have big huge windows, and red velvet curtains that will be pulled open as soon as the sun is up. My house will smell like cedar and sandalwood and a little bit of sugar and maybe some notes of bacon in the mornings. There will be a huge study, four walls with nothing but books, and big old chairs that are comfy enough to read in, but squeeze you just enough to keep you from falling asleep. I will have a big oak bed, with pillows so fluffy I have to throw myself into them. The walls will be burnt golden yellow and mahogany red. Black tile shower.
I will go to school for 8-12 long years and acquire 75k in student debt (even though 125k is entirely possible.) I will spend a lot of nights worried about paying it off, and I’ll be paying student debt, and house payments, and car payments for years, and I’ll worry about it everyday. But I will have a job I love, and I am good at. I will listen to people who need to be listened to, not talked at. I will buy sets of Lincoln Logs for my office, and have big giant sketch pads for kids who want to draw. I won’t be a doctor to visit, I won’t be a shrink, I won’t be a helper, I will be an actual friend. I will pour my entire being into the being of others.
I will wake up every morning to the person I love. They will not set an alarm because I will wake them up by grinding coffee, just audible through the kitchen walls, just enough to nudge them asleep. We will have dogs, and we’ll go for hikes in the afternoons and get tree sap allover each other. We will come home from work and sit on the wrap around porch and drink a glass of wine and talk about the insignificant details of our day. We’ll invite obnoxious friends over and get too drunk and fall alsleep on the living room floor with everyone, like teenagers. We will remember to love each other. We will throw Superbowl parties even when no one cares about the teams playing. We’ll cry when one of the cats gets out and never comes back, even though we both acted like we hated it. We’ll go to friends weddings both feeling too stuffy in formal attire, and we’ll change into t-shirts as soon as we get back in the car. And we will love each other more than anything else matters.
And maybe I’ll have foster kids. I wouldn’t mind having foster children. And I will love them, not because I am biochemically engineered to do so, but because they deserve love and respect indefinitely. They will never have to call me “Mom” but if they decide too, thats okay too. They will have late curfews until they prove they do no deserve them. They will have every privilege until they earn it taken away. They will receive trust without having to fight for it, and I will read to them if they are young, and ask them to read to me if they are older, and I will pay for whatever lessons they want, i will learn the words to the music they play in the house, I will be proud of them for just making it through the day.
Or maybe I won’t have foster kids. Maybe I will come home perfectly fulfilled every day to my beautiful life, and decide that I do not have the means to provide for them. I could live perfectly content on either end.
I will make something of myself. I will be happy. It’s a long road home, but I’m driving nonstop until I get there.